Title: Tea Trek
Author: Daniela Zahn (dzah0045@rz.uni-hildesheim.de)
Series: TNG, Hitchhiker
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: PG
Codes: none
Summary: Arthur, Ford, Zaphod and Marvin from the Hitchhike r's Guide
universe visit the Enterprise. Can they save the galaxy from tea-serving
Borg?
Disclaimer: All Star Trek characters belong to Paramount, all characters
from "The Hitchhike r's Guide to the Galaxy" belong to Douglas Adams.
The parody is copyrighted by myself.
Critique (spelling, grammar, content, continuity, ...) is welcome.
Some of the first lines of the Hitchhiker-characters are stolen from the
book.
If you want to archive, post or otherwise distribute this story outside
of asc or the asc archive, please ask me first.
Tea Trek
Space - the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise
(version D) on its mission to seek out new worlds, new life (humans and
nebulae) and new civilizations (only one per planet), to boldly go where
no one (of us) has gone before.
[ Somewhere in space ]
Worf: Captain, I'm detecting an unauthorized transport. Source and
destination unknown.
[ Four figures materialize on the bridge. They don't look hostile. ]
Picard: Welcome aboard the Enterprise. Would you care to tell us how you
got here?
Ford: Enterprise? What kind of enterprise?
Picard: The USS Enterprise is a ship of the United Federation of Planets.
Now, where do you come from? And what are you doing on my bridge?
Zaphod: Federation? What's that? Hey Marvin, get here.
Marvin: Here I am, brain the size of a planet. And all you ask me is to
explain the word "Federation" to you, which you won't understand
anyway. Oh god, I feel so depressed.
[ Councillor Troi moans and looses consciousness. ]
Riker: Riker to sickbay. Medical emergency on the bridge.
Arthur: [ does not care about what happens in the background ]
Maybe the Guide knows something about it...
Guide: The United Federation of Planets is a wired thing. Several rather
primitive planets, like Earth, Vulcan...
Arthur: Did you hear that? These people know about Earth!
Ford: Psst! Let's hear what the book says.
Guide: ... and so on, decided to cooperate in order to eliminate all the
totally useless (and therefore totally funny) things in the
universe, like wars, fast ships, hostile aliens, giant space
battles and Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.
It was the most successful Empire ever to be found in history, since
its people had nothing better to do than to make previously happy
people very unhappy by including their planets into the Federation
and thus denying them every kind of fun.
In a desperate attempt to save the intergalactic civilization, a
Q was send by his continuum [ The Q are most likely the species with
the highest moral rules ] to eliminate the Federation largest weapon,
also known as the BBoS, the Buerocratic Branch of Starfleet. Rumors
are that said Q was corrupted and failed his job.
Except for the Q, the UFP never got visited by anybody (at least by
nobody of any relevance).
[ Of course, the guide is mistaken at this point. The Enterprise
*had* once been visited by some hyper-pan-dimensional beings which
came there to offer some technological advice. unfortunately,
these beings were mistaken for parasites and all of them were
killed. ]
The UFP is one of the most boring places that exist.
See also "Enterprise captains", "redshirts", and "What to do to
survive on the Enterprise", pages 9872, 700619 and 11052.
Further advice may be gained from the books "The holodeck mal-
malfunctioned again," and "How we found the particle of the week,"
written by Professor Moriarty, Sub-Reality Level 3.
Zaphod: OK, guys, let's look for another place...
Arthur: Wait! These people know about Earth!
Zaphod: Yeah, you already said that.
Arthur: Maybe it didn't get demolished in this universe.
Ford: Who cares? We know what happened to it. Earth was colonized by the
Golgafrinchrams. Face it, you're not an ape descendent; your ancestors
were telephone-sanitizers.
Arthur: But don't you understand? Earth is still my home! Even though it got
run over by those loonies and demolished by the Vogons...
Picard: Err, sorry for interrupting, but I'm Captain Picard.
Zaphod: Hi.
Ford: Hi.
Arthur: Tell me, have you ever been to Norway?
Riker: Norway? I'm from Alaska. That's very similar to Norway, Mr. ....
Arthur: Dent. Arthur Dent. No, I mean, have you ever seen Slartibartfast's
signature?
[ Riker and Picard exchange puzzled looks. ]
Zaphod: Come on, Ford, let's look for a drink.
Ford: Yeah. There's the exit.
[ Ford and Zaphod approach the turbolift. ]
Worf: [ stops them with phaser in hand ]
You will stay here.
[ Worf slips on a banana peel, which lies there for no apparent reason,
and drops down. While falling, he accidently fires his phaser. Riker
drops down unconscious.
The turbolift doors open. Dr. Crusher tries to enter the bridge, but is
blocked by Zaphod who stands in front of it. ]
Zaphod: See? You only have to have luck. Nothing can happen to you if
you're with Zaphod Beeblebrox, former President of the Gal axis,
the most important person in the universe. [ noticing Dr. Crusher ]
Hi...
Ford: Let's get out of here!
[ Ford and Zaphod enter the turbolift. Dr. Crusher has no opportunity to i
leave it. ]
Zaphod: ...do you know where we can get a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?
Elevator, take us to a place where we can drink something.
[ to himself ] If this is another Sirius Cybernetics Product, I'll...
[ Unfortunately, his words got lost forever. They would have made
for a nice upgrade of "One Million things to do to Sirius
Cybernetics Products" ]
Dr. Crusher: [ angry ] Turbolift stop. [ turbolift stops ]
I've got to get onto the bridge. There's a medical emergency up there!
The Captain might be hurt!
Zaphod: That bald guy? Elevator, either you go on to the bar, or I'll
reprogram you with an axe. [ The Turbolift stays where it is ]
Elevator, did you understand me? I'll use an axe...
[ Nothing happens. ]
[ to Dr. Crusher ] That bald guy's just boring. Won't you like to
come with me, Zaphod Beeblebrox?
Dr. Crusher: [ Looks as if she wants to kill Zaphod. Takes a tricorder out
of her medical kit. ] All right, you two-headed stupid idiot,
...
Zaphod: Wait! I didn't mean it! Don't point that at me!
[ By the same time Dr. Crusher frightens poor Zaphod, the turbolift arrives
at its destination. Zaphod, who seems to be even less himself than usual,
drops out of the opening doors, which have nothing better to do than to
close right after him. It is possible, however unlikely, that the computer
understood the previous mention of an axe. ]
Ford: [ who has changed the wiring of the turbolift, which now starts
moving downward ]
Bye, Zaphod!
[ Dr. Crusher looks angrily at Ford ]
Ford: No, no, please! Look, are you really happy with your life?
Running around, hurting people, all that stuff?
Dr. Crusher: All right, I have NO idea what's going on. Will you PLEASE...
Ford: [ hypnotizing ] Don't panic!
Dr. Crusher: What did you say?
Ford: Don't panic!
Dr. Crusher: [ startled ] Panic? What the hell is going on here?
Ford: Just calm down.
Dr. Crusher: I don't have to calm down. Would you please let me do my duty?
Ford: All right, all right. Just don't panic! Look, ...
Dr. Crusher: I'm waiting...
Ford: I can't remember how the wiring was in the first place...
[ looks at Dr. Crusher ]
All right, all right... [ starts sweating]
[ It is of course well known that wiring is one of the most spectacular
lifeforms in the galaxy. It changes its structure every time you
look at it. Nobody ever figured out why. ]
[ the turbolift starts moving upward ]
Dr. Crusher: [ taps her communicator ]
Crusher to security.
[ Ford panics and hits a panel. This opens the turbolift doors halfway
between two levels and allows Ford to escape. ]
***
[ Meanwhile, on the bridge ]
Picard: [ starts a new attempt to communicate with Arthur ]
Mr. Dent, welcome aboard the Enterprise,
Arthur: Is it safe?
Picard: Safe? Well, the Enterprise has powerful shields.
Arthur: Oh, good.
Marvin: It's just that they shut down each time they got hit, but you
probably don't want to know that.
Arthur: Marvin, won't you like to look around a bit?
Maybe you can have a chat with another robot...
Marvin: All right, you want to get rid of me, I understand. Nobody wants
to talk to a paranoid robot. Who cares about my wishes?
Picard: [ sees a point to start a conversation ]
And this is Mr. Data. Mr. Data is an android.
Marvin: Primitive, if you ask me.
Data: I am the most advanced android in starfleet.
Marvin: Really? Tell me, how is it to live with a brain even smaller than
that of an average human?
Data: I am not capable of feeling any emotions.
Marvin: I can tell you, it's ghastly. The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
equipped me with Genuine People Personality. Oh god, I fell so
depressed. There is this terrible pain in all the diodes down my
left side...
Data: Perhaps Geordi could check your diodes.
Marvin: You seem to have enough problems yourself. For example, there
is this problem with your computer you might want to know about...
Picard: [ misses Dr. Crusher, astonished that nobody took care about
Troi and Riker yet ]
Picard to sickbay. Dr. Crusher, where are you?
Crusher: [ through communicator ] I'm on my way.
[ Dr. Crusher arrives on the bridge ]
Data: Sir, I am sorry to interrupt, but my analysis indicates that
the arrival of our guests was accompanied by a significant
increase in re-polarization events of neutrino particles.
Marvin: I knew you didn't want to know about it.
Picard: Excuse me, Mr. Marvin,
Marvin: [ interrupts ] Just call me Marvin. There is no reason to call me
anything else, even though I a million times more intelligent than
you.
[ Arthur is bored and taps something at the captain's chair ]
Picard: All right, Marvin, could you please tell me who you and your
friends are?
Marvin: All you ask me is to tell you the names of these people?
Picard: Yes.
Marvin: Why?
Picard: Is that task too complicated for you?
Marvin: No. I just wanted your confirmation that you really want to know
that of me.
LaForge: Engineering to bridge. Captain, we can't maintain warp 9.9999
for very long!
Picard: Warp 9.9999?
LaForge: Yes, Sir. You asked for Warp 9.9999.
Picard: Picard to engineering. Where did you get that order from?
LaForge: The request has been send through your console, Captain.
Picard: [ turns around ]
Mr. Dent, would you please stop punching those panels?
Arthur: Uh? Oh yes. Sorry.
Picard: Mr. LaForge, cancel that order. Helm, full stop!
Mr. Data, what is our current position?
Data: We have crossed the Romulan Neutral Zone.
Worf: Sir, we are being surrounded by six Romulan warbirds.
We are being hailed by the Rgesius.
Picard: On screen.
Romulan: Federation vessel, you have crossed the Neutral Zone. Unfortunately,
this is seen as an act of war and will result in the destruction of
your vessel.
Considering our - friendly - relations with the Federation, I offer
you one last chance to surrender. You have one minute to lower your
shields and to disarm your weapons.
Rgesius out.
Riker: [ Slowly wakes up ]
My head. What happened?
Worf: We accidently crossed the Neutral Zone. The Romulans demand our
surrender.
Riker: The Neutral Zone? Data, what's going on?
Data: Ltd. Worf is right, Sir. We are within Romulan territory.
Riker: What are we doing here?
Arthur: Romulans...Romulans...[ asks Guide ]
Guide: Romulans, Name given to the Rhihansu by the Federation. Great
species with lots of ancient customs. Always worth a trip.
[ Arthur locates hailing button, touches it ]
Rgesius: Rgesius to Enterprise. Did you decide about our offer? It would be
a pity to destroy your vessel...
Arthur: Hello, Rgesius, could I visit you? Besides, is it safe on your
ship?
Rgesius: Safe? Well, I don't know. We have the Tal Shi'ar. Besides of that,
it's safe, yes.
Arthur: Excellent.
Rgesius: [ pause ] Why do you want to visit us?
Arthur: Why? The guide lists your species as worth being visited.
Rgesius: [ interested ] Could you drop me a copy?
Arthur: I'm sorry, but I have only this one... Hey, Marvin, could you
give the Romulans a copy of the guide?
Marvin: No. They don't want it anyway.
Rgesius: You are in no position to withhold any information from us. Either
you relay us the information, or the Enterprise will be reduced
to dust. It's your choice.
Marvin: Not to mention that you won't get the Guide if you destroy it.
Just thought that might be a helpful information.
Arthur: Marvin, shut up.
Picard: Rgesius, we apologize for invading your territory, but we had a
problem with our warp drive.
Rgesius: A problem? According to our sensors, the Enterprise traveled at
warp 9.9999 . If you call *that* a "problem" with your warp drive,
I shall inform you that we will encounter a "problem" with our
weapons systems within the next few minutes. Unless, of course,
we find a way to prevent it.
Now, relay me the information!
Arthur: It's not my book; it belongs to Ford. I'll ask him if he can lend
it to you. [ leaves bridge ]
[ Arthur didn't know that the only rule every hitchhiker observes is to
never, really never, lend anything to anybody else, because you will
never see it back. The only exception to this rule was when Ford gave
his Guide to Arthur, but this was only because it was an old edition. ]
Picard: Rgesius, would you like to beam aboard for peace negotiations?
Rgesius: We've better things to do. Rgesius out.
***
[ 10 forward ]
Guinan: Seems you got around a lot.
Zaphod: Yeah.
Guinan: Are you still President of the Galaxis?
Zaphod: No, got too boring, you know...
Guinan: Want another? [ offers drink ]
Zaphod: Yeah. Your green stuff would make a nice addition to a Pan
Galactic Gargle Blaster.
***
[ Ford is working at the holodeck controls. Wesley is passing by. ]
Wesley: Good morning, Sir.
Ford: [ gazes at Wesley ]
Wesley: May I help you, Sir? You seem to manipulate the holodeck's matter
emitters. I've done that already last year, but the Captain wasn't
too excited about it. What do you plan to create?
Ford: Look, this really doesn't matter to you.
Wesley: Oh, sorry, I just thought I might help you.
Ford: No, thanks, I don't need any help. Leave me now.
Wesley: Is there really nothing I can do for you?
Ford: Yes. One thing. Deactivate the safety mechanism.
Wesley: But that's not possible. Only the Captain can do that.
Ford: Damn.
Wesley: Excuse me?
Ford: All right, I give up. Do whatever you wish, but if you don't
stop bothering me now, I will write an appropriate entry
about you for the Guide.
[ Which is, of course, one of the most terrible threats to public,
often considered as the second most illegal thing, right after
paying taxes (not to be confused with *not* paying them), because
people really don't want to read about insignificant little pubs
on non-important worlds or superbeings capable of doing anything,
therefore eliminating the problem through creating time-travel
paradoxa became quite popular, which forces the subject of the
article to cease to exist. Unfortunately, superbeings keep coming
back. ]
Wesley: Guide? An Entry about me? That sure sounds exciting! Did you know
about my new de-polarized subspace balanced tachion transmitter?
It is based on the temporal tachion accumulation effect with
interlaced subspace fields and optional ... [ keeps talking ]
Guide: Technobabble. The universal language of the Federation.
If you are forced to listen to technobabble, endure it. It is
said that people may occasionally survive (in contrast to
Vogon poetry). It is magic. The less you understand about it,
the better it will work. If you are forced to use technobabble,
don't forget to hire a competent native speaker. [ The book
goes on with "top 100 expressions that have to be used in every
decent communication". ]
Wesley: ...by re-routing the phased tri-plasma conduits to the second
reserve holo emitter. Simple, isn't it?
Ford: [ looks seriously annoyed ] Yes.
Wesley: Oh, I've to go to the bridge now. Call me if you don't get along.
[ rushes off to the next turbolift ]
[ Relieved that Wesley has gone, Ford starts working again. ]
* * *
[ Later, on the bridge ]
Wesley: Sir, can you tell me what kind of ship that strange object at our
starboard side is? There's no match for it in any of our files.
Maybe it's from a species we haven't previously encountered.
[ The reward the Federation pays for discovering new species is something
of a mystery. There are lots of stories about millions of (officially
non-existent) credits in solid latium being paid for coordinates of
primitive, war-mongering civilizations, and other stories about
discoveries of highly advanced, peaceful civilizations whose discoverers
ended up having transporter- or shuttle-accidents, accidently fell out
of an airlock, where killed by panels blowing up, and-the-like.
Those stories are all true.
Thus, Riker's following reaction might be quite understandable. ]
Riker: Wesley, what are you talking about?
Wesley: I mean that strange vessel. [ he points at his screen ]
It doesn't look like a spaceship, more like an ancient bistro, but
it's definitely a spaceship.
Riker: [ throws a short glance at Wesley's display ] Oh, that. It's
Somebody Else's Problem. [ turns away ]
Wesley: But, Sir, ... [ confused ]
Picard: Mr. Worf, is there any way we can get out of this mess?
Worf: [ examines all the warbirds around the Enterprise ]
We may die heroically.
Picard: Mr. Worf! I don't want to die yet.
Worf: Yes, Sir.
Wesley: Maybe we can get help from that bistro-shaped vessel.
Picard: Mr. Crusher, what are you talking about?
Wesley: That! [ puts image of Slartibartfast's bistromatic-driven ship on
the main viewer ]
Picard: [ stares at the (for him) empty screen, looks worried, checks the
screen again, still sees nothing ]
Look, Wesley, the last weeks have probably been too much for you.
Don't worry about it. It happens to everyone occasionally. Sometimes,
our minds make us think there is something which isn't really there.
Everybody has some kind of hallucination once. Let what you see be
Somebody Else's Problem. It's not real.
Wesley: [ entirely confused now ]
But...
Picard: Wesley, go and see your mother. She can give you something that will
make you stop seeing hallucinations. You're dismissed.
Wesley: [ gets up slowly, looks doubtfully at the main viewer -
Slartibartfast's ship is clearly visible ]
Are you sure there isn't anything?
Picard: Absolutely. Now, go and see your mother.
[ Wesley leaves the bridge ]
* * *
[ meanwhile, on the bridge of the Romulan ship ]
Romulan-version-of-ensign: Commander, we can't identify the oddly shaped ship
next to the Enterprise. It's not Federation design, and I don't
believe that it's one of ours.
Romulan Commander: [ looks suspiciously at the clearly visible bistro-shaped
ship ] Don't make any assumptions of what we have or what the
treacherous Federation has. Nobody has informed us about it. It's
not our problem. It's Somebody Else's Problem. The Tal Shi'ar ought
to take care of it.
Romulan-version-of-ensign: Shall I alert the Tal Shi'ar then, Commander?
Romulan Commander: [ sights ] Today's youth doesn't have a clue about proper
political behavior. [ aloud ] Do not disturb the Tal Shi'ar with
such minor incidents, idiot.
Romulan-version-of-ensign: But...
Romulan Commander: [ sights again ] Why do I always get these suicidal types?
* * *
[ Ford is about to complete his work at the holodeck. Wesley comes by again. ]
Wesley: Hi. Did it work?
Ford: [ turns around abruptly ] Bug off.
Wesley: Excuse me, Sir. There must be something wrong with my universal
translator.
[ Zaphod comes along, looking for Ford ]
Zaphod: Hey, Ford, how are you? Found a way off this thing?
[ looks at holodeck, enters it ] Great!
Ford: Zaphod! No! Wait!
[ but it's too late ]
Wesley: Sir, why did you create a shuttle on the holodeck, transformed it
into a real object, and then beamed it off the holodeck? And where
did it go with Mr. Beeblebrox aboard?
Ford: Is there any other way to get off this ship?
Wesley: Well, usually, we just beam over.
Ford: Thanks.
Wesley: I'm glad that I could have been of any help.
[ Ford heads off to the nearest transporterroom ]
* * *
[ on the bridge ]
Worf: Sir, detecting an unauthorized shuttle start. It is headed for
one of the Romulan vessels.
Picard: Hail the shuttle.
Worf: There is no reply.
Picard: Activate tractor beam.
Worf: It is too late. The Romulans have captured the shuttle in their
tractor beam already.
[ everybody looks concerned ]
[ time passes ]
Worf: Sir, the Romulans are breaking off. One of their vessels fires
at the others.
Data: It is the same warbird that took our shuttle aboard.
Picard: Raise shields.
Worf: Shields are up, Sir.
Data: We do not know what the Romulans have in mind. The warbird that
attacked the others moves in a chaotic pattern.
Riker: This is our chance to leave.
Picard: Agreed, Number One. Maximum warp.
[ The Enterprise warps away, while the poor Romulans have to deal with
Zaphod Beeblebrox, former president of the galaxis, and bad starship
driver, who had unfortunately got hold of the emergency bridge of
one warbird. ]
* * *
[ very shortly afterwards ]
Worf: Captain, there's an incoming distress call from a Klingon vessel.
Picard: On screen.
[ Several Klingons appear on screen, fighting against each other. Lots
of Borg are standing around, trying to offer the Klingons something ]
Picard: The Borg!
[ everyone feels obliged to look shocked, except for Arthur and Marvin ]
[ Borg are harmless, pacifistic cyborgs. If you want to be assimilated
by them, just hire a ship, look for a suitable planet in the path of
the Borg, speed up that planet's technology to a level where they
get interested, and then wait.
In contrast to popular belief, Borg do have individuality. They just
don't want anyone to know about it. Borg cubes contain some of the most
searched for individuals in the galaxy. ]
Picard: This is Captain Picard of the USS Enterprise. What are the Borg
doing on your ship?
[ There is no reply. The Klingons continue fighting. Suddenly, a Borg
steps at the com console ]
Borg: Greetings, Locutus.
[ an angry Klingon pushes the Borg away ]
Klingon: Captain Picard, these dishonorable creatures invaded our vessel.
They refuse to fight against us.
Picard: The Borg didn't try to assimilate you?
Klingon: No! They refuse to do their duty!
Riker: Do you want to be assimilated?
Klingon: No, of course not.
Picard: Then I don't understand your problem.
Klingon: Picard, we were prepared to fight a Borg invasion. We were ready
to die. And now look at what we got! We had to fight someone. The
Borg didn't react. So we had to fight against ourselves.
Borg are *not* honorable.
Picard: Mr. Data, lay in a curse for the Klingon vessel. Maximum warp.
[ to Klingon, who's already busy fighting again ]
We'll come as fast as possible. Enterprise out.
Arthur: Err, do you need me any more? Because if you don't, I'd like to
have a look at your ship.
Picard: Hm? Oh yes, Mr. Dent, [ looks for support ], err, [ looks around
helpless ], I can't spare anyone right now.
Data: Curse laid in.
Picard: Engage.
Arthur: [ looks over Worf's shoulder ]
Nice job. How's it paid?
Worf: [ growls threatening ]
Arthur: That bad?
[ wanders on to Data ] And you're an android?
Data: That is correct. [ operates his console at inhuman speed ]
Arthur: And how's it like to be an android?
Data: [ thinks ] I do not know.
Arthur: [ looses interest, wanders off to Picard ]
When will we be there?
Picard: Where?
Arthur: Well...I thought you knew.
[ Picard and Riker exchange exhausted looks ]
Riker: Mr. Dent, we have urgent business. Please don't disturb us.
Arthur: I see.
[ Arthur waits some time. The bridge crew mostly sits around and waits, too. ]
Arthur: You don't have much to do, have you?
[ no reaction ]
Arthur: All right, I'll lock for Ford and Zaphod.
[ Arthur heads off for the turbolift. Marvin stays on the bridge, unnoticed
by anyone. ]
* * *
Data: Sir, we have reached the position of the Klingon vessel.
[ a Borg materializes in front of Captain Picard ]
Borg: Resistance is futile. From this time forward, we will serve you tea.
[ more Borg materialize on the bridge, each carrying a tray with a cup of
liquid ]
Riker: What happened to "You will be assimilated?"
1st Borg: We don't do that any more. Resistance is futile!
Picard: Worf, how about the rest of the ship?
Worf: Sir, there are Borg on all decks. No casualties so far, but the Borg
standing around keep our crew from working.
[ a Borg trying to offer Worf a cup of blue liquid demonstrates it ]
Worf: [ growl ] Drink that yourself! [ throws away cup ]
Borg: Resistance is futile. We will serve you tea.
[ a new cup materializes on his tray ]
Picard: Picard to Dr. Crusher. Dr. Crusher, have you analyzed the liquid yet?
Dr.Crusher: [ over intercom ] There isn't only one liquid. Every Borg serves
a slightly different variant. All I can say is that it's always
something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. It's not
poisonous.
Picard: Thank you, Dr. Crusher. Bridge out.
[ Borg offers liquid to Data ]
Data: I am sorry, but I do not require that kind of liquid.
[ Borg looks disappointed ]
Data: However, I have never seen blue tea.
Borg: No? [ confused ]
Data: I am afraid not. But if you are looking for a receipt for tea,
you might find a suitable one in our replicators.
Borg: We will serve you tea. [ wanders off to the next replicator ]
[ Riker, who saw how successful Data's tactic was, tries the same to get
rid of his Borg ]
Riker: I don't drink tea either.
Borg: Humans do drink tea. Resistance is futile.
Riker: Well, you know, the Captain's an expert on that field. Why don't you
consult him?
Borg: [ turns to Picard ] Locutus, you know about tea?
Picard: [ confused ] Yes, but what's all this about? Q? Q! Are you responsible
for this?
[ There is no reply. No sane Q would ever approach Arthur, Ford, Zaphod or
Marvin any closer than a few hundred galaxies away. ]
Borg: My name is one of five. Please taste my tea.
Picard: All right, everything, if you leave my ship.
Borg: We will serve you tea.
Picard: Will you leave us afterwards?
Borg: There is no afterwards. Resistance is futile.
Picard: OK, I'll try it. [ takes liquid from Borg ]
[ tastes it ] You said this was tea?
Borg: We serve you tea.
Picard: Well...you know, tea shouldn't taste like cold coffee.
Borg: No?
Picard: No.
Borg: You didn't enjoy the taste?
Picard: I didn't. And now, please leave my ship.
[ Borg materializes a new cup ]
Borg: [ offers new cup to Picard ] Share and enjoy.
Picard: Pardon?
Borg: I said "Share and enjoy." Enjoy our tea.
Picard: I'd enjoy a cup of tea if there wouldn't be thousands of Borg
keeping my people from working.
Borg: We'll serve you tea while you work. You will be allowed to work
while you taste our tea.
Riker: Great. [ looks unhappy ]
Data: Sir, have you noticed that the Borg seem to have gained individuality?
The Borg you talked to spoke of himself as 'I'.
Riker: Unfortunately, that doesn't help us to get rid of them.
[ Picard takes new cup form his Borg ]
Picard: That doesn't taste much better.
[ Borg materializes three new cups ]
Data: Sir, the Borg have modified their behavior. It seems that they
now carry three cups on their tray and ask people which one tastes
best.
Riker: Is it possible that they'll eventually find out how to make tea?
Data: Sir, if the Borg are capable of adapting to human taste as fast as
they adapt to new weapons, we might expect them to succeed in less
than 24 hours.
Picard: I don't think so, Data. People have very different tastes.
Borg: We'll consider that. [ thinks ] We will make tea that will suit
Arthur Dent's taste.
Riker: Arthur Dent?!?
Borg: Share and enjoy. We will serve you tea.
Worf: No! Go away! [ pushes his Borg back - phasers have no effect ]
Borg: Resistance is futile.
Data: Sir, maybe we can stop the Borg if we find Arthur Dent.
Riker: Yea, if he says to some Borg that he likes this 'tea'.
Picard: Picard to Arthur Dent.
Arthur: [ over intercom ]
Yes? Hello? Arthur Dent here.
Picard: Mr. Dent, could you please locate one of the Borg and tell them
that you like their 'tea'?
Arthur: [ over intercom ] Borg? What's that?
Data: They are part human, part machine.
Arthur: [ over intercom ] I don't see anything like that around.
Wait. [ silence ]
Arthur: [ still be heard over intercom ]
Excuse me, Sir, have you seen any Borg?
Nameless Ensign: [ in background ]
Borg??? Aghhhh! No!!! Aghhhh - not again! [ ends abrupt ]
Picard: What's going on there? Mr. Dent!
Arthur: [ over intercom ]
I don't know. He just ran away and crashed into the next wall.
Pretty stupid thing to do. He might be dead.
Picard: All right, Mr. Dent. Please get to the bridge. We need your help.
Arthur: [ over intercom ]
If I can find the way back...it's very confusing here, so many
corridors, all of them very similar...
Picard: [ looses patience ] Tell the computer to show you the way. Picard
out.
Riker: Do you think he'll make it?
Picard: Picard to transporter room three. Get a fix on Mr. Dent and transport
him straight to the bridge.
Transporter room: I can't do that.
Picard: Why not?
Transporter room: Because there are too much cyborgs blocking the
way, threatening me with tea.
Picard: Who are you? I don't know your voice.
Ford: [ pause ] Ford Prefect.
Picard: Mr. Prefect, what are you doing in transporter room three?
Ford: Trying to beam off. What else would I want to do in a transporter
room?
Picard: Mr. Ford, could you please come to the bridge? And if you can
find Mr. Dent on your way, please bring him with you.
Ford: No, thanks, I'll wait until the cyborgs leave.
Picard: Mr. Ford!
Ford: Yeah?
Picard: Please get to the bridge immediately. We need you up here.
Ford: No, I won't. You can't expect civilians to execute your orders.
It's not my job.
Picard: [ pause ] Don't you care about what happens to civilization?
Ford: [ thinks about it ]
No, I don't. I prefer to care about myself.
[ to Borg ] Bug off! [ on a second thought ] Get me a Pan Galactic
Gargle Blaster.
Borg: [ in background ] No tea?
Ford: Don't you know that tea doesn't taste without a Pan Galactic Gargle
Blaster?
Borg: No...I'll get you one!
Ford: [ to himself ] Still too many left...
[ to next Borg ] You are expected on the bridge. The Captain wants
your tea.
Picard: No! I don't. We have enough Borg on the bridge.
Borg: [ thinks about it ] Are you sure?
Ford: He doesn't mean it! He can't await tasting your tea! All of you, hurry
to the bridge!
All Borg: Resistance is futile. We will serve tea to Captain Picard.
[ sound of several Borg leaving ]
Ford: Good luck. [ he wishes that to the Borg, of curse ]
Picard: Mr. Worf, make sure we don't get any more Borg up here!
* * *
[ Meanwhile, in a corridor ]
Borg: We will serve you tea.
Arthur: Tea? Where?
Borg: Share and enjoy.
Arthur: Share and enjoy? That stupid machine said the same thing.
Borg: Please try my tea.
Arthur: Are you sure it's real tea? Broiled out of dried leaves?
Borg: Yes.
Arthur: Oh. Else it couldn't be tea, you know.
Borg: We planted lots of tea-plants.
Arthur: Oh, good.
Borg: And all the other stuff you described. Please taste it.
Arthur: I'm not thirsty.
Borg: Please!
Arthur: And what if I do?
Borg: You will enjoy it.
Arthur: I don't feel in a mood to enjoy anything.
[ Borg looks unhappy ]
And besides, there's no milk in it.
Borg: We're still working on a cow.
Arthur: Well, get back when you have milk.
Borg: I promise you we'll make tea you'll enjoy.
Arthur: Good. Now, could you please show me...[ Borg starts dematerializing ]
Wait! [ Borg comes back ]
Borg: Yes?
Arthur: I need to get to the bridge.
Borg: I'll show you. Follow me.
* * *
[ Borg beam off the Enterprise ]
Riker: Where are they going?
Picard: As long as they don't come back...
[ The turbolift doors open and out come Arthur and his Borg-guide ]
Borg: This is the bridge.
Arthur: Well, thanks. I wouldn't have found back on my own.
Borg: You're welcome. [ beams back ]
Riker: How did you do that?
Arthur: What?
Riker: Make the Borg do what you wanted.
Arthur: What?
Riker: How did you get the Borg to lead you to the bridge?
Arthur: Oh, I just asked him politely. By the way, would you like a cup of
tea? [ offers one to Riker ]
Riker: No.
* * *
[ The Enterprise sends an away team to the Borg cube. ]
Borg: Please rematerialize in an appropriate rematerialization zone next
time. This is a major crossing, in case you haven't noticed.
Riker: Uh. Sorry. I'll talk to our transporter chief. It's not going to
happen again.
Borg: [ walks to nearest display, touches a button ] This is a map of
our cube.
LaForge: [ looks at map ] Hey, I didn't know Borg cubes had a zoo.
Riker: Zoo?
Borg: It's only a few days old. We had to do something with all the
animals we created.
Riker: Well, I haven't been in a zoo recently. Let's go there.
Borg: May I do something else for you?
Riker: Thanks. [ aside, to LaForge ]
This is worse than assimilation.
LaForge: You name it. We have to find a way to transform them back.
Data: I am reading signs of rich plant life in the center of this cube.
LaForge: Plant live? First a zoo, now plants, - Have the Borg gone into
farming?
[ they head off to the center of the cube ]
LaForge: Wow! Look at that! This must be an entire plantage.
Data: [ examines one of the plants ] This seems to be a tea-plant.
Riker: Now we know where they get their tea from. But what's that machine
in the center? I've never seen something like that in a Borg cube.
Data: [ walks to strange machine and reads inscription ]
It is a Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesizer, produced by the Sirius
Cybernetics Corporation. [ uses tricorder on it ]
A kind of replicator. It is trying to produce tea.
Riker: Ah, so this caused the Borg to behave that strangely. Data, stand
back.
[ Riker firers his phaser at the Nutri-Matic - but the beam never reaches
it - a Borg jumps in the path of the phaser beam and gets killed instead ]
Riker: All right, this time let's fire together.
[ they all fire at the Nutri-Matic, but the Borg have adopted and shielded it ]
Data: They have adapted to our phasers.
Borg: [ still friendly ] Please leave our ship now.
[ a strange creature, remotely similar to a cow, walks past them ]
Riker: Let's capture a Borg. Maybe we can cure them aboard the Enterprise.
Riker to Enterprise. Four to beam back.
[ Riker, Data, LaForge and a cow-like creature dissolve in a transporter
beam ]
* * *
[ Meanwhile, in a corridor ]
Ford: Arthur! Wait!
Arthur: Ford! Where have you been?
Ford: You don't want to know. [ looks around suspiciously ]
Is there anyone with you?
Arthur: Yes, Councillor Troi offered to show me around. But where is she
now?
Troi: [ walks around a corner, becomes visible, smiles ]
Ah, Mr. Dent. I'm sorry, I had to talk to a patient shortly.
Have you found one of your friends?
Ford: [ eyes her suspiciously ]
You're Betazoid, aren't you?
Troi: Only half-Betazoid. My father was a human.
[ Most interstellar societies have reached a level where the usage of
politicians, treaties and similar weapons is considered bad manners.
Even though there are many disputes about which weapons can legally
be used in a war, there is universal agreement on one point:
never read your enemie's thoughts. It spoils the whole thing.
The Klrviu once violated that rule. Within less than one Klrviuan
hour, every Klrviu was hunted down and assigned a highly-paid spy job.
The Klrviu became so immensely rich and occupied they never found the
time to reproduce and therefore died out. ]
Troi: But how do you know?
Ford: Never mind. OK, let's hurry to get somewhere else.
Troi: [ to Arthur ] Isn't there something you wanted to tell your
friend?
Arthur: Yes, Ford, you see, I've finally found a place where everything
is nicely ordered, where nobody wants to knock my house down
or read poetry to me, where I could lead a perfectly normal,
ordinary life.
Ford: You...you can't mean that! I didn't save you from earth just to
leave you in the claws of the Federation!
Arthur: Look, why don't you stay here, too?
Ford: [ speechless, utterly horrified ]
Troi: [ smiles ] We'd love to welcome you among us.
Ford: No! This can't be.
Arthur: Ford, are you fine?
Ford: No. Look, you can't stay here.
Arthur: Why not?
Ford: Just think about all the trouble that would cause. Whole galaxies
would cease to exist, billions die - the very fabric of space
would be ripped apart.
Arthur: That sounds awful.
Ford: Believe me, it is. Don't stay here.
Arthur: Why would that happen?
Ford: Why? You see, if you mix people of different realities, look, like
these people and us, it works fine for some time. But eventually
the universe notices that there's something incredibly wrong and
tries to correct it. And then it's the end of the universe.
Arthur: Ah, the end of the universe. Never truly enjoyed eating meat after
that.
Troi: [ eyes wide ] The end of the universe?
Arthur: Yes, it's a restaurant.
Ford: No, I don't mean *that* ending. If we stay here, in this reality,
the universe will come to a very different - and quite premature -
ending. Lots of people would be upset...
Arthur: Oh.
Ford: Yes. Come on now.
[ they leave a scared Troi behind ]
* * *
[ Riker, LaForge & Data have managed to get rid of the cow-like creature
they had accidently beamed aboard and finally captured one of the
tea-serving Borg. ]
LaForge: Computer, create the inside of the Enterprise, with ready-to-
assimilate crew members.
[ The holodeck complies ]
Borg: [ hopefully ] May I serve tea now?
LaForge: No, look, there's that prepared hologram over there. You'll have
to assimilate it. It's just a hologram, but the computer created
everything authentical according to our last encounter with
your collective.
Borg: Assimilate? Will the hologram assimilate tea?
LaForge: No, no, you got it all wrong. You have to assimilate it. That's what
Borg naturally do.
Borg: And if I don't want to?
LaForge: I can see that that's difficult for you. However, the Prime Directive
forbids us to interfere with the development of other species. It's
a pity, but we can't let you stay servants of a coffee machine.
Borg: [ unhappy ] I don't even know how to do it. I can't assimilate people.
People don't want to be assimilated.
Riker: Well, yes, they usually don't want to. That's the trouble.
Data, couldn't you show our friend how to do it?
Data: Of course. [ walks to selected victim ] You will be assimilated.
[ touches holographic victim ]
Riker: That wasn't too difficult, was it?
Borg: But...
LaForge: Come on, give it a try.
Borg: [ slowly walks to hologram ] You will be assimilated? But if you
don't want to, just tell me.
Riker: Data, LaForge - I see you're making good progress. I'll be in
Ten Forward, looking after our 'guests'.
* * *
[ back on the bridge ]
Worf: Incoming transmission. Shall I put it on visual?
Picard: On screen.
Slartibartfast: Ahem...am I transmitting yet?
Picard: This is Captain Picard of the starship Enterprise. Who are you?
Slartibartfast: My name doesn't matter.
Picard: I'd like to know to whom I'm talking.
Slartibartfast: Do you record this?
Picard: Yes, of course we do.
Slartibartfast: [ nervous ] Slartibartfast.
Picard: Pardon me?
Slartibartfast: [ astonished ] You're not laughing?
Picard: No, should I?
Slartibartfast: I'm getting too old for this. All right, I've this planet
for you, where do you want me to put it?
Picard: Planet?
Slartibartfast: Yes, your custom-made luxury planet. Only a small one,
actually, and with far too few fjords on it, if you ask me.
Pretty stupid design. Reminds me of your vessel. Anyway, we do
what the customers wish for. May I give it to you now?
Picard: A Planet?
Slartibartfast: Yes, I already said so. A custom-made luxury planet for
Captain Jean-Luc Picard, currently on the starship Enterprise.
That is you, isn't it? Please don't tell me I've to look elsewhere.
I really want to get rid of this thing and go back to sleep.
Picard: Well, who "made" it?
Slartibartfast: The people of Magrathea. Who else creates planets for the
richest of the galaxy?
Picard: This has to be a misunderstanding. I never ordered a planet. What
should I do with one?
Slartibartfast: Well, I don't know. Of course you didn't order it. It
says "Deliver as Birthday present" on the contract.
Picard: Yes, today is my birthday, but that has to be a bad joke.
Dr.Crusher: Jean-Luc! I didn't know!
Picard: Well, [ getting red ] I didn't want anyone to know.
Slartibartfast: Where shall I drop it?
Picard: Excuse me?
Slartibartfast: Your planet. You know, it might be a good idea to place
it close to a sun. You'll have far more fun with it this way.
Just a suggestion, of course. I'm not trying to influence our
customers.
Picard: Certainly not. Who ordered your "custom-made" planet?
Slartibartfast: Oh, I can't tell you.
Picard: I'm not going to take it, then.
Slartibartfast: As you wish. I'll drop it right here, then. But you really
ought to carry it closer to a sun. Planets without a sun aren't much
fun, you know...
Picard: Mr. Slartibartfast, please wait a minute.
Slartibartfast: Oh, I'll wait till the end of time. The payment had been
extraordinary generous. Working for the Q is always rewarding.
[ fortunately, Picard didn't hear that last remark ]
Picard: [ to ceiling ] Picard to Data. Mr. Data to the bridge, please.
[ Shortly afterwards, Data arrives on the bridge ]
Picard: How's your project with the Borg going on?
Data: The Borg will soon be returned to normal, Sir.
Picard: Fine. Now, Mr. Data, this [ points to viewer ] is Mr. Slartibartfast.
Data: Hello, Mr. Slar...[ chuckles wildly ] Mr. Slarti...[ can't stop
laughing ]
Picard: Data!
[ Slartibartfast looks wounded ]
Picard: I'm sorry, Mr. Slartibartfast. I'm certain we'll solve our problem.
Data: [ serious again ] Sorry, Captain. This must have been an in-build
function I haven't previously been aware of. [ nobody notices the
contraction ]
Picard: Mr. Data, we're looking for a place where Mr. Slartibartfast could
drop a planet.
Slartibartfast: [ to Data ] A custom-made luxury planet, ordered as a birthday
present for your captain.
Data: Congratulations, Sir.
Picard: Please don't mention it to anyone.
Data: [ confused ] I thought humans enjoyed celebrating birthdays.
Picard: Well, I don't. Can we get on now, please?
Data: You are looking for a place where you could place an additional
planet?
Slartibartfast: I? I'll drop it wherever your captain says. I've just to
deliver it.
Data: [ walks over to his station ] Sir, it seems that Irandil II is
heavily overpopulated. Terraforming projects on Irandil III and
IV have been a failure so far. The inhabitants could use an
additional planet.
Picard: [ to Slartibartfast ] Would that be possible? Could you give the
Irandil a second world?
Slartibartfast: Ah, you've finally made your decision. Good luck with your
planet! It's delivered now. I'm to inform you that the Magrathean
company offers no warranty whatsoever for any damage caused to
anything. If you ever manage to get rich enough, please remember
Magrathea and our custom-made planets. And please order a few
more fjords next time. I love fjords.
Worf: Sir, incoming message from Irandil II. They say that a new planet
appeared out of nowhere in their system. They ask if they can
populate it.
Picard: Tell them they can do so.
Slartibartfast: Oh, one more thing. Have you seen my Nutri-Matic?
* * *
Captain's Log, supplemental. Thanks to Slartibartfast, the Irandils have
gained a new planet. Sidenote: All mentionings of my birthday have
to be erased from this log.
Further on, Slartibartfast has been able to regain his replicator,
called Nutri-Matic, which had enslaved the Borg. Our project to
make the Borg assimilate people again is going well.
We do not know what happened to the Klingon vessel that sent the
distress signal which brought us here. We assume that the Klingons
have killed each other by now.
Things slowly get back to normal.
[ Councillor Troi enters the bridge and hurries to Captain Picard ]
Troi: Captain! I've talked to Mr. Prefect, and he said that if he and
his friends stay here, the universe will come to an end!
Picard: Yes, the universe will undoubtedly end eventually.
Troi: He meant that it will happen now!
Picard: We can't allow that. Mr. Slartibartfast, are you still there?
Slartibartfast: Yes?
Picard: You said Mr. Dent, Mr. Ford and Mr. Beeblebrox belonged to you?
Slartibartfast: No, I wouldn't put it that way. We just went on a journey
together. And Arthur asked my Nutri-Matic for tea. Not that I
won't enjoy tea, mind you, but these modern things just can't
create that. It's a shame.
Picard: Yes, yes. [ taps communicator ] Picard to LaForge.
Mr. LaForge, I need you to find a way to beam our "visitors"
back on Mr. Slartibartfast's ship.
LaForge: [ over intercom ] I'll see what I can do.
* * *
[ LaForge leaves holodeck 3, leaving a confused Borg behind ]
Borg: Assimilate? Do I really have to? You will be assimilated...
No.
[ By the same time, the now-without-Nutri-Matic Borg beam their last
representative off the Enterprise ]
Borg: [ already in transit ] You will be beamed.
* * *
Worf: Sir, incoming transmission. It's a Romulan vessel.
Picard: Out here? On screen.
Romulan: Captain Picard, we're really sorry we couldn't come earlier, but
now we've finally made it. The survivor of the shuttlecraft
accident is beamed aboard your ship right now. It has been a
pleasure to return one of your citizens.
Worf: Captain! This might be an invasion!
Troi: The Romulan is lieing. It hasn't been a pleasure.
Romulan: [ sweats ] Well, you have your citizen back.
Transporter room: Transporter room to Captain Picard. Sir, we've beamed
Mr. Beeblebrox aboard.
Picard: Thank you. Bridge out. Now...[ turns back to screen - but there's
only a starfield and no Romulan in sight ] Where's the Romulan?
Worf: Sir, right after beaming Mr. Beeblebrox aboard, the Romulan vessel
left at maximum speed and returned to the Neutral Zone.
Picard: Ah, good.
Data: Captain, I've an idea how we might be able to return our visitors.
[ again, nobody notices the contraction ]
Our guest's brainwave patterns are phased by 2.1706 degree compared
to that of humans form our universe.
LaForge: Yeah! And with the new trilinear isomorphic transporter pattern
recognizer, we might just track them and beam them somewhere.
Picard: Mr. LaForge, beam our visitors immediately back to Mr. Slartibart-
fasts vessel.
LaForge: Aye, Sir. Three people beamed to Slartibartfast's ship.
Data: Excuse me, Gerordi, but didn't we have four visitors?
Picard: Ah, yes, this annoying robot. How was it called?
Data: Marvin, I believe.
Picard: Where is this Marvin?
Marvin: I'm here. I'm standing in a corner, rusting, and you don't even
bother to notice me. Nobody cares about me. Please go on with
your business. It is certainly much less important than mine,
but don't bother.
Picard: [ in a low voice, to LaForge ] Get rid of that robot.
LaForge: Aye, Sir.
[ Marvin dissolves in transporter beam ]
Picard: This has been a straining day. I'll be in my ready room.
Worf: [ to no one in particular ] Slartibartfast's ship is departing.
[ And, thanks to the Somebody Else's Problem field of Slartibartfast's
bistromatic ship, this departure doesn't require any expensive
special effects. It doesn't require any effects at all. This never
happened. ]
In a galaxy far, far away, actually, far away enough to be a totally
different reality, Q leaned back and respired. Arthur Dent had left. The
galaxy was safe again.
And his planet had been delivered.
ENDE
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